The problem with “friends with benefits” is this…
Everybody thinks their way is the best or only way. The truth of the matter is there is no universal guide that any guy can use to keep any girl as a “friends with benefits.”
All of these chicks are unique and come with their own little game plan. It’s up to guys to figure it out.
Furthermore, every single cookie cutter guide you see on the web takes a very methodical approach.
– You have to wait X amount of days to contact her.
– When to call her vs. when you should text her.
– When you should pay for stuff/buy her gifts.
– Whether you should be distant vs. as emotionally invested as her.
– How often you should hit her up.
It’s too much. It’s unnecessary. I’m really not one for having to think too much or put a lot of effort in to women.
Here’s what I have to offer. Over the years, there are certain habits I have adopted and brought into my relationships with girls that has made retention VERY EASY.
The purpose of this article is to help you develop friends with benefits relationships where you put in hardly any effort because the girl starts to fall FOR YOU.
In my opinion (and experience), the girls should be chasing you. You shouldn’t be getting into over analytical thinking and trying to do things or follow a certain “method” when it comes to having a friends with benefits. For the most part, you should be going about your daily life and letting her hit you up.
“Let them chase you” is very “mainstream” but it’s also very true.
Introducing the Concept of Obsession
Obsession is a very powerful concept. Even the word itself is powerful.
Obsession is an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s mind.
For the purposes of retention, it’s good for a girl to be obsessed with you (within reason). You want her to miss you. You want her to be thinking about you when you’re not around. You want her to be checking her phone to see if you texted her. You want her to be anxiously waiting to see you again. You want her to be putting effort in to see you and make you happy.
Neediness is the offspring of obsession. Neediness is mentioned on every PUA website/forum on the Internet.
That is one thing the PUA Industry got right… it’s not good for you (as the guy) to be needy.
Neediness is a turn off. Nothing dries up the pussy more than a needy, clingy guy.
The opposite is when you have a girl who constantly “misses you” when you’re not around. That’s the easiest way to establish a friends with benefits with you putting in minimal effort.
When you have a chick constantly hitting you up saying that she “misses you”… you are in cruise control.
How do you do that? It’s very simple… You get them to think about you when you’re not around.
The #1 Friends With Benefits “Hack”- Leave Your Mark (Mark Your Territory)
This comes straight out of the father son playbook. That’s right. This is a straight up gem that my father taught me back in high school. He taught me a lot of stuff when it comes to dating girls (and keeping them).
This is by far my favorite “retention hack” that he taught me. It’s fun and always works.
My Father’s 1980’s Style of Retaining Friends with Benefits
Back in the 80’s (before he met my mom), my father was a beast. He was heavily connected in the Downtown NYC party scene and was living the player life to the max.
He had a one bedroom condo right smack in the middle of Downtown NYC and had a cool group of friends that he regularly had tables with.
He snagged a lot of hot chicks. Many of them naturally fell into the friends with benefits role.
One thing he used to do was after he banged them and they were asleep, he would get a marker and draw a heart or a smiley face on their ass.
They would usually notice it a few days later and naturally think of my father. They would think it was a cute and immediately call him to see when they could go out again.
I started doing this in high school and continued doing it well in to college.
As I got older and more experienced with sex (probably started Junior Year of college), I started to enjoy rougher sex.
Since then, instead of using a marker, I just leave a bite mark on the chick’s ass.
I bite just hard enough so that it will leave a bruise that will last a few days. Anytime they look at their ass, they think about me.
Why does leaving your mark work with establishing a friends with benefits relationship?
It works for 2 reasons:
1) There is an element of ownership/possession at play. Chicks love the idea of being “some guy’s girl.” It gives them a sense of security. This solidifies that concept because you are literally marking your territory.
2) Leaving your mark automatically makes them think about you. When they see a bite mark or smiley face/heart on their ass… they are going to laugh and think about how they got it. They will think about you every time they check it out.
The more a chick thinks about you, the more they start to “like you” and automatically fill that friends with benefits role.
BONUS: This is especially for those of you man enough to leave a bite mark. When you leave a bite mark, there is certainly an animalistic element that comes in to play.
For those of you in the cheap seats, it is a good thing for a chick to call you an ANIMAL!!!!
You want a chick to label you as “an animal in the bedroom.” Biting is mandatory.
Inside Jokes + Slang = Great Chemistry
What you say and how you say it absolutely matters. Your words that you express to a chick absolutely matter. DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE.
They matter because relationships, whether long-term or short-term, are all rooted in communication.
Great communication is the foundation of rewarding, long-lasting relationships. While poor communication is often the leading cause of break-ups.
Think about it… what is the number one thing you hear chicks complain about when they are unhappy with their relationships?
“He doesn’t know how to communicate.”
“We have no communication.”
It’s usually something along those lines.
You need to be able to communicate and establish some sort of chemistry with a girl if you want her to become a friends with benefits. A great way to do that (in your initial dating phase) is to develop inside jokes and use your own slang.
Unfortunately, there is no way to teach this. This is why:
1) How you communicate and express humor is very much a conditional thing. It’s all dependent upon what kind of humor/pop culture you have been exposed to over the years.
A good starting point is the Guide to Social Skills series so that you can see the essentials of communication broken down.
*** HINT: Multi-dimensionality is the answer…
2) It’s all in the moment when you’re with a chick. Funny shit is going to inevitably come up. You can’t “prepare” for it. You can only laugh together when it happens.
The best I can do is show you some personal examples with explanations. Here you go:
This is an example of an “inside joke” with a former friends with benefits. The picture I sent her is from a funny scene in the movie Dazed and Confused.
We had watched the movie a few nights prior and I thought the scene was hysterical… so did she.
So I sent her that picture out of the blue. The rest of the text is pretty self-explanatory.
Here is the scene in case you are interested:
As far as slang is concerned, I’m going to level with you here. I say “nigga” a lot. A lot of people do. It’s forever a part of mainstream American culture.
I listened to a lot of rap music growing up (still do). Since middle school, me and my friends have always said “nigga”.
Even in college, my friends and I would always drop casual “N-Bombs” when shooting the shit. It’s just been my way of doing things.
I jokingly say “nigga” around chicks too. The preppy white girls in college secretly loved it. A lot of girls love it… it’s funny to say and the taboo surrounding use of the word makes them giggle.
It’s cool to fuck around with chicks with different slang. It’s even cooler when they start adopting your slang in to their own everyday life.
When chicks start adopting your jokes and slang into their own repertoire, this is a MAJOR STEP in the right direction when it comes to retention.
You are in the driver’s seat. Not only are they a guaranteed friends with benefits, they are pretty much like a little kid looking up to you at that point. You basically need to really fuck it up to lose them.
Here’s an example:
As you can see I’m quite the charmer 😉
Bottom Line: You gotta be light hearted and open up to chicks by communicating with them. The easiest way to do this is by joking around about stuff you guys relate to.
Joking around and having a good time is one of the easiest ways 2 people get comfortable around one another. That’s Basic Chemistry 101.
Compliments and Romance Will Always Be “In-Style”… But there’s a catch.
One of the many things PUA “experts” have gotten wrong is the idea that you should never compliment a girl by telling her she is beautiful and you should never express your feelings.
This is terrible advice. You should absolutely compliment a girl and be romantic… EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
That’s the catch. You don’t want to go full white knight mode and try to make everything a fucking fairy tale. That is very bad.
But a little bit of romance and telling a chick she is beautiful goes a long way.
I like to text something nice to chicks the morning/early afternoon after I have sex with them for the first time (as shown in the example above). A lot times a girl might feel insecure/shocked after she has sex with a guy for the first time… it’s good to reassure them that you had fun and want to see them again.
Chicks appreciate it and it drops the hint that you want to see them again. Thus, it makes the friends with benefits relationship that much more natural.
Concluding Thoughts on Friends With Benefits
Having a friends with benefits is a business.
You have something they like. They have something you like. You guys have good chemistry on multiple levels.
Most importantly, there is a mutual understanding between the 2 of you that you are not going to get “too serious.”
Most guys try to make things too difficult by trying to do things or “time things” a certain way.
Wouldn’t it be awesome if you just went about your normal life and had women that actually wanted to become a part of your life?
Such a thing is possible and it’s one of the many perks of BEING THE REAL DEAL.
In other words, the hard work that so many lost guys put into the dating/PUA shit is work that should be put in to becoming the real deal.
When you are the real deal, you are a product in high demand… a true rarity especially in today’s world.
That’s how you win this game…
Before I let you go I have 2 announcements:
1) Keep letting me know your thoughts on the development of a Private SBS Community. I appreciate all the insight so far!
2) I am now on Instagram. Follow me to see some cool shit: @strengthbysonny